Confessions of a triathlete

I was thinking about what to write this week, and you are probably all very bored of me saying I’ve gone swimming, and cycling and running…..again. I thought maybe I could tell you some of the darker aspects of being a triathlete, the stuff that no-one else knows. Then I realised that it is mostly swimming and cycling and running.

But, dear reader, I have one advantage over the majority of these race hardened individuals, and that is I haven’t a clue what I am doing, and therefore I have stories galore.

Here is a summary of my complete muppetry – I encourage you to stay the course as the best one is last. Some of these may have appeared in other weekly blogs but hey ho.

Swimming

To demonstrate how fare I have come I will take you back to January. I signed up to the triathlon club Black Country Triathletes predominately to get some coaching at swimming.  There I was a fresh faced newby turning up on a Wednesday night watching all these people arrive with floats and flippers and all manner of equipment. And then there was me, like a rabbit in the headlights with just my swimming trunks……what wait, where the hell!? Yep first time to swimming lessons I forgot my trunks! Muppet score 3/10

The following weeks I remembered my swimming trunks, but every had Jammers – what??? I hear you cry. No not py-jammers, but swimming jammers. They are basically long thigh lycra shorts that come to just above your knee – reduces drag and makes you look like you know what you are doing – at least more so that the hawaiin flower patterned shorts I had. So I went and bought some. The other thing that sticks out in my mind is the first three weeks of actually swimming. It was so tough I threw up at the end of each session – not in the pool mind you.

Open water swimming is less muppet skewed  because they have to be quite safety conscious .I have swam to the wrong buoy, swam into people, been hit by ‘something’ under the water and on Saturday nearly swallowed a underplant reed thing that decided to come up and wap me in the face.

You also spend a lot of time with snot all over face. My technique for breathing is in through the mouth and then underwater out through the nose. As you can imagine if you breath out through your nose underwater for any length of time everything else comes out your nose too. Quite often I come up looking like a two year old with a cold or one of the pods from aliens!

Cycling

Where oh where do I start with my cycle mishaps.

Firstly I have fallen off three times – twice was during the frosts and, despite being as cautious as a wily old cat in a rocking chair factory I hit a patch of ice and boom down I went.

The other was a classic cycling cock up of not unclipping my feet in time. Luckily it was a back road. I bunny hopped to see if I could…actually I have no idea why I did it, and gracefully put my arms out and fell over.

There has only been one incident with a car. On one of my first trips to work I was not expecting the really long hill, but undeterred I set myself up and focussed on the patch of tarmac infront of my. One two one two, my legs were like cylinders….grrr…right up until I rode into the back of a parked car. I didn’t fall off, but I did immediately look around for witnesses, check car for damage, then ride swiftly off. Muppet score 7/10

Lots and lots of studying of maps, memorising routes only to get out there lose all sense of direction and resort to the phone.

I was debating whether to tell this story or not….but well here goes. When I do my long rides I eat a lot of energy bars and gels. Anyone who has had a shed load of sugar knows it somewhat loosens ones bowls for the following day. The fortunate circumstances were that I was cycling home from work and not to it, and that I was nearly home. The unfortunate circumstances were that it wasn’t what I thought which was wind.

The last cycling story is well I don’t even know what category to put this in! When you exercise for a long time eventually you will need to go to the toilet, even as the above story demonstrates when you don’t know it. In the pool it is a big no no for me. I actually get out and go back to the changing rooms during training. The lakes…well they are big and there are worse things in there than me. But on the bike, well there are various schools of thought. There is the obvious pull over find a bush disappear, reappear carry on. Takes quite a bit of time though. Then there is the pull over, pee, carry on. Quicker and easy. Then there are the true professional who can pee and cycle at the same time! I am working on the basis that this is just the men. I have wondered whether this would work or not so after my swim on Saturday (already got wet shorts you see…eh eh not a complete muppet) going down a country lane I thought ‘well let’s see how difficult this is’. So I extricate myself and urm try and work out how the hell it would work. If I pee sideways I’m just gonna pee on my leg! They alternative is to pee downwards, but that is where my drinks bottle sits, and I am not doing that. It was about this time that the walker appeared on the side of the road ambling along. What the hell he thought I was doing I have no idea, but extremely red faced, I put myself away, said good morning to him vowed never to try it again! Muppet score 11/10.

Running

Not much to go wrong running, apart from my singing like an idiot when a good song comes on. Buying the wrong shoes at ridiculous prices.

 

During my actually event I am hoping none of these happen, although I suspect I will end up covered in snot, and possible sugar when I miss my mouth with the gels and it crystallises.

 

If anyone has any questions they would like answering about this – either serious or less so please send them in and I will try to answer.

 

STATMAN

Pages in the briefing document I have been sent – 48!!!!

Panic levels at reading the first 5 pages – 9.5/10

Number of combinations of clothing I have tried – 3

Decisions made on what to wear on the day – 0

Weeks to go – less than 3

Money Raised – circa £1300, which including gift aid and £500 from company will push me past £2000!!!! THANK YOU